MY MENTAL STATE

God, this post is going to get so real and so personal and I am a little nervous to be so honest and real. Mental health is a topic we should constantly be talking about. No longer to be a taboo subject to be open about. I am going to try and be as real and honest as I can be in this post but I do think some things aren't worth sharing all over the internet for just anyone to read. In no way am I asking for sympathy writing this, I just want to start being open with my readers and continue the conversation so many other people have started.

My life in the past two months took a turn, one I highly did not expect. When they say "if you want to make God laugh, tell him about your plans", it is so true. No matter how much you think you have your life planned out, there's a high chance it just ain't gonna happen. The past few months for me have been some of the darkest, scariest moments of my life with my mental health. Luckily, I have finally started feeling so much better this past week, I finally feel ready to open up. Not that I have to but I don't want to lead the "perfect" blogger life that some do, I want to be someone who just writes as a hobby and discusses topics that some might want to keep private. I want to show that life for everyone isn't perfect and sometimes it gets hard.

I'm not good with dealing with change, especially with things that make me feel comfortable. If I feel comfortable, I would rather everything stayed the same. So when my life started changing I started going down in a spiral. I started waking up feeling anxious every single day and down in the dumps. I would get annoyed at the littlest things. I was just the opposite of who I really am.

Normally, I am happy. I am energetic. I dance and sing the whole day away. I feel calm. I basically am just usually a happy go lucky person. However, the past two or so months I would feel anxious to the point where I would break down every single day. My chest would feel so tight and claustrophobic, I don't know how else to describe it. As much as I was breathing, since I am still alive, it would feel like I couldn't breathe, every breathe was a struggle. I would want to stay in my room every single minute of the day, away from the world. Even when I was out with my friends, I wouldn't necessarily feel present. I would always be wishing at the back of my mind that I just wanted to go home. I felt so alone, even though I knew people go through the same thing all the time but when you are in that state of mind, you truly feel like it is you against the world. Like no one would truly understand.

At some points, I thought that I was going to feel that way forever. I really did. I didn't know any way out. I was no longer motivated to do any of the things I enjoyed to do anymore. I love reading, I didn't read at all in those two months. That is why I didn't write and have been so MIA, I had no interest in writing. Everything felt pointless to me. I had lost who I was and I could not find her anywhere. She was gone.

Rest assured though, she came back. I am back feeling actually better than ever. I am sure that I will still have down days but every good day I am savouring so bad. I don't know long I have of feeling on top of the world so I am sure as hell going to make the most of it. I basically just wanted to write this post to remind you that we all go through dark times and you should really speak up. To anyone that you trust, your parents, a teacher, a friend, anyone. Even me. You can give me a message on my twitter if you feel like you have no one. No one should feel alone. I promise it will get better in time but the first step is speaking out. I didn't speak out in the most conventional way, a little embarrassed now, that's a story for another day or just not at all, but after it, I felt a weight had lifted and my problems seemed to not vanish but I knew I was going to get through it. I was a stronger person than my issues. In a years time it will all seem so stupid.