numb

This post is going to be so personal to me and something I haven't shared with anyone before. I've never spoke about this experience with nobody, not even my family or close friends. I wanted to create this post to really show people they aren't alone and there are other people out there who deal with similar things. 

I dealt with this for a very long time. Probably about just over a year but no one really knew. They knew something was off but not really to the extent that it was. I still have no idea what it was, or is. I still deal with it from time to time but I am very fortunate that it is only in small periods and not to the length that it used to be at. 

Back in 2014, I had a period in time where I was dealing with things and was so angry and sad for a while that after it I just went numb. I felt emotions from time to time but for the majority of the end of 2014 all the through to 2015, I forgot how emotions felt. 

I knew when I was meant to be happy but I didn't necessarily feel it. It was one of the most confusing times for me. Trying to work out why I felt nothing. Constantly trying to figure out what was wrong with me. All I wanted to do was feel something, anything. 

It felt like I was a robot. I didn't feel human. Inside I was struggling so much but on the outside I faked it. I smiled when I knew I was meant to be happy. I didn't want anyone knowing there was something wrong with me. 

I am a hider, I hide my emotions. I never want someone to feel burdened by how I feel. To me, often I keep myself as the last priority. I know this isn't healthy and I have been trying and trying to get better at putting myself first when I need to but it is something I really struggle with. 

Recently, I have been feeling the same way. I am either overcome with emotion that it is so powerful or I feel nothing. Which is so strange because this is meant to be one of the most happiest times in my life. 

I do think though it can be due to the stress and new surroundings that I have been struggling a bit. I am just so confused by it. I do know though that there has to be someone else out there dealing with many of the same issues. 

Everyone tells you that you have to be in charge of your own emotions but how am I meant to if I don't feel any? It's like they've went missing and I have no idea where to start looking for them. I have no idea where they are, where they went. 

It's like a part of my brain has just stopped working. Given up on me but I know I'm not alone. 

We are human, everyone has scars we can't see. Everyone has some sort of mental issue in their life. That is what makes us special. We can overcome things that we didn't know we could. We are given these challenges to make us stronger. To make us who we are.